SECTION VII, DEMERIT PRACTICES AND PROTOCOL
A. ALTHOUGH MANYHATS IS MADE UP OF QUALITY MEMBERS WHO RESPECT THE TRADITION AND REGULATIONS OF THIS FINE ORGANIZATION, AT TIMES THERE ARE THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO SKIRT THE RULES, BE THEY FORMAL, INFORMAL, OR UNSPOKEN. BEING AN ORGANIZATION BASED ON RELATIONSHIPS, CARING, AND UNDERSTANDING, WE CHOOSE TO USE PROGRESSIVE DISCIPLINE TO CONFRONT THESE SITUATIONS. THE FOLLOWING PUNISHMENTS WILL BE APPLIED BASED ON THE OFFENSE:
a. FIRST OFFENSE (OR MINOR INCIDENT): THOSE MEMBERS NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES WILL BE GIVEN STERN LOOKS, A ROLL OF THE EYES, A SIDEWAYS GLANCE, THE EVIL EYE, OR SOME COMBINATION OF THE AFOREMENTIONED. IT IS GENERALLY UNDERSTOOD THAT NO VERBAL COMMUNICATION SHOULD BE NECESSARY FOR THE OFFENDING MEMBERS TO KNOW WHAT THEY HAVE DONE WRONG, TO WHOM, AND HOW TO CORRECT IT.
b. SECOND OFFENSE (OR NOT SO MINOR INCIDENT): ALTHOUGH MOST MEMBERS WILL NOT PROGRESS BEYOND THE FIRST OFFENSE, SOME MEMBERS MAY BE DENSER THAN OTHERS. IT IS THESE MEMBERS THAT MAY NEED MORE INDIVIDUALIZED ATTENTION AND MENTORING, AND FOR THIS REASON THEY WILL BE UNMERCIFULLY HECKLED, HARRASSED, AND WILL BE PLACED AT RISK OF RECEVING SERIOUS EMOTIONAL SCARRING. THIS IS DONE IN LOVE, OR AT LEAST FEIGNED REGARD, AND IS FOR THEIR OWN GOOD.
c. THIRD OFFENSE (OR MAJOR MINOR INCIDENT/MINOR MAJOR INCIDENT): THE MEMBER WILL BE REQUIRED TO BUY ASSORTED DUTCH PASTRIES FOR ALL MANYHATS MEMBERS IN ATTENDENCE. ALTHOUGH HARSH, AGAIN THIS IS FOR THEIR OWN GOOD. THOSE ARGUIING THIS POINT WILL ALSO BE AT RISK OF PICKING UP THE NEXT ROUND OF COFFEE, TEA, OR THOSE FANCY CHAI’S THAT EVERYONE RAVES ABOUT (I REALLY DON’T SEE THE APPEAL, BUT A RULE IS A RULE).
d. FOURTH OFFENSE (OR MAJOR INCIDENT): AT THIS POINT WE’RE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. THE HIGHEST POSSIBLE OFFENSE, IT IS PUNISHABLE BY HAVING A CUP OF SCALDING HOT COFFEE (REAL COFFEE, NOT THE FLAVORED “FOO-FOO” STUFF) CEREMONIAL DUMPED IN YOUR LAP. I MEAN REALLY, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING. YOU MAY BYPASS THIS PUNISHMENT BY CHOOSING ONE OF TWO FAR CRUELER PUNISHMENTS:
i. YOU MAY HAVE YOUR COAT, HAT, AND ANY OTHER TEXTILE GARMENT IN YOUR POSSESSION PLACED DIRECTLY ABOVE THE TOASTER IN THE KITCHEN TO ABSORB THE DEATHLY POTENT AROMA OF BURNT ONION BAGELS. THIS PUNISHMENT WILL HEREAFTER BE KNOWN AS “SMOKE EM IF YOU GOT EM”.
ii. YOU MAY WORK FOR THE REST OF THE DAY SITTING CRISS-CROSS APPLESAUCE (OR INDIAN STYLE IF YOU ARE AT LEAST 1/64TH NATIVE AMERICAN) ON TOP OF THE LOFT AIR VENT. THIS PUNISHMENT WILL HEREAFTER BE KNOWN AS “A BREATH OF FRESH AIR”.
iii. IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT TAKING PUNISHMENT ii. AFTER PUNISHMENT i. IS ACTUALLY THE ONLY KNOWN CURE FOR i. (THIS CAN BE REPRESENTED IN A MATHEMTAICAL FORMULA BY: (i. + ii. = 0) BUT WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD APPLY SUCH A THING?)
B. ALTHOUGH PROGRESSIVE DISCIPLINE CAN BE EXTREMELY EFFECTIVE, WE’VE ALSO FOUND THAT AN VAGUELY ARTICULATED ARCAIC SYSTEM OF APPLYING DEMERITS TO NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR IS ACTUALLY MORE AMUSING.
a. IT’S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT MEMBERS CAN ONLY APPLY DEMERITS ON OTHER MEMBERS. NO “MERITS” ARE ALLOWED TO BE APPLIED. (I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU WANT A PAT ON THE BACK FOR DOING WHAT IS EXPECTED OF YOU?)
b. IT’S ALSO IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND THAT BECAUSE THIS IS AN ARCAIC SYSTEM, NO ONE REALLY KNOWS THE RULES FOR EVALUATING THE MAGNITUDE OF THE DEMERIT AND FOR WHAT OFFENSES DEMERITS WILL BE GIVEN (THE PEOPLE WHO COULD ANSWER THAT QUESTION ARE ALL LONG DEAD). FOR THAT REASON DEMERITS WILL BE COMPLETELY ARBITRARY AND WITHOUT REASONING, AND IN THEMSELVES SET NO PRECEDENT FOR FUTURE DEMERIT VALUES.
c. DEMERITS VALUES CANNOT END IN ZERO, NOR CAN THEIR SUM TOTAL END IN ZERO. (IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHY THIS RULE IS IN PLACE, YOU JUST EARNED 13 DEMERITS)
d. DEMERITS WILL BE CUMULATIVE, AND MULTIPLE MEMBERS MAY APPLY DEMERITS FOR THE SAME OFFENSE. (YOU ARE STILL QUESTIONING SECTION VII, SUBSECTION B, c, AREN’T YOU? 18 MORE DEMERITS!)
e. THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE DEMERITS REMOVED FROM YOUR RECORD IS TO FOLLOW THE PROTOCOL LISTED IN SECTION VII, SUBSECTION A, c OR THROUGH THE LOOPHOLE IN SECTION VII, SUBSECTION B, h.
f. THIS LINE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK.
g. (24 DEMERITS FOR MENTALLY QUESTIONING WHY THE LINE ABOVE WAS LEFT BLANK!)
h. IF A MANYHATS MEMBER DOLES OUT DEMERITS THAT END IN ZERO OR CREATES A SUM TOTAL ENDING IN ZERO, THAT MEMBER WILL THEREFORE TAKE ON THE DEMERIT TOTAL, PLUS 1 DEMERIT, OF THE OFFENDER AND RENDER THE OFFENDING MEMBER’S TOTAL BACK TO -1 (YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SAY ZERO DIDN’T YOU? WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM, AN IDIOT? 43 DEMERITS!)
i. AMMENDMENT 1.4.A.78.4444-F.
i. JOEL BENNETT IS IMMUNE TO ALL DEMERIT PRACTICES AND PROTOCOL AS HE CALLED “KING’S CORNERS”.
